Practice Paper 1
FIRST TIME CHAMPION!
Usain Bolt is a first time olympic champion! At the start of the race, Bolt took off with not such a great start, his opponent Richard Thompson started off extremely strong. Usain Bolt is focussing on everyone else in the race and you can see the worry in his face as he watches everyone zoom past him. Bolt was racing against Thompson, Walter Dix, Churandy Martina, Michael Frater, Marc Burns, Asafa, and the second U.S runner Darvis Patton.
His strides became larger and larger in fact, to the point where he stumbled for a moment but quickly recovered and would not let it affect the rest of his race. His expressions were of someone who needed to win. He passed Thompson and the dedication in his eyes lit up not only his fans, but everyone watching. With only 80 metres left he took one last glance behind him to see where his opponents stood.
Usain Bolt was far ahead of the rest of the runners and he raised his arms and crossed the finish line for first place. For the first time he had won the Olympics and became Champion.
I started off with my newspaper report with the title “First Time Champion.” By using the “first time” as the headline really catches and draws the attention of the reader so that they want to know who the article is about. The structure stayed the same for the autobiography and the newspaper article. The only thing that differed was that I had mentioned that he had won the championship in the beginning of the article, as well as adding it in my headline. I had kept mine written in an orderly manner to help keep consistency so the reader doesn't lose interest and focus on what is being said. In my first paragraph I mainly focussed on the beginning of his race and his opponents around him, there followed by mid race the feelings he was having, and the last paragraph was his excitement and joy when he crossed over the finish line. In the autobiography the same format was followed but in between was his additional thoughts in the moment, which made it more personal.
By doing this The verbs that were used within the autobiography such as “peeped,” “pounded,” and “extending” helped describe the intensity of the race to make it more intriguing. I had done something similar with using words like “zoom” “stumbled” “glance” and “raised.” This helped add to the emotion and connection that the reader would feel in comparison to Usain Bolt, so that you can feel and understand what he was going through. Adding on to the language, there were words written that added his raw feeling such as “shaky.” This one word has so much power and deeper meaning. If you are shaky, your body feels completely anxious and your adrenaline is pumping, as well as you know your emotions are heightened if this is something you are experiencing. This is something that I could not add into my article because the style of writing differs in this aspect. Since his writing was personal he could add the personal connection and I had to gather that and write it in a professional form.
Involving the form, the autobiography is written from Usain Bolt's experience and the thoughts he was thinking during his race. His mind was all over the place, his thoughts running rampant which was deeply described and expressed in that autobiography. Rather than the newspaper article was more of a professional take on his point of view, as well as it was written in third person. There was only one main focus on character and that was Usain Bolt himself. Comparing them, the article was more of a perspective taken based on what he was thinking and feeling in that exact moment. The overall key theme within the autobiography was to get a take on the things he was experiencing, as far as the newspaper article was more of following through his experience from someone who is watching it at the moment. The intention was to give an overview on him becoming an olympic champion which is something both pieces of writing inquired.
1(a)
ReplyDeleteAO1 ⅗ marks. It shows a clear understanding of the text. A good sentence where it shows clear understanding is, “Bolt was racing against Thompson, Walter Dix, Churandy Martina, Michael Frater, Marc Burns, Asafa, and the second U.S runner Darvis Patton.” However, the structure of the writing is out of place. For example, the fourth sentence should go after the first sentence because it explains how the race is going but then jumps straight into who the competitors are. The structure creates the sense that there is not detailed or sophisticated understanding because it makes it seem the passage was just skimmed through. One particular part is “With only 80 metres left he took one last glance behind him to see where his opponents stood.” This is saying how Usain Bolt had only ran 20 metres, but it is supposed to be that he had already ran those 80 metres since he is about to win.
AO2 ⅖ marks. The expression and how the newspaper should be written is clear however out of place as stated before. There are a few errors which do not impede communication though. For example, ‘he had won the Olympics and became Champion’. The content used is in the passage, but like I said before it seems like the text was skimmed over. For example, “His strides became larger and larger in fact, to the point where he stumbles for a moment…”. In the text Usain Bolt stumbles or is ‘shaky’ at the 20 metre mark but when he starts to take longer strides is where he is stronger and doesn’t stumble.
Overall score 5/10 marks.
1(b)
AO1 ⅗ marks. You show understanding of the main topic or idea of the passage but you don’t show much understanding of the language style, structure, and word choice. You do mention the words ‘peeped’, ‘pounded’, and ‘extending, but these words don’t necessarily express emotion like others that were used. To make your point stronger you could have used ‘dude’, ‘chill’, ‘oh man’, or ‘hell’. To show the worry and excitement through these words he was thinking. You could also use these words to describe how the language used was more informal and relaxed. You do mention this a little, but not in depth. In your last paragraph I could see or understand that you were talking about how the texts were written from different points of views. As you say ‘it was written in third person’, but you never mention specifically that the autobiography was written in first person. I think you did a good job doing an overview of the points of view however do get the marks I would be more specific. It was easy to see that you had some understanding of everything but because it was specific and detailed it lacked the detailed understanding of the texts.
AO3 5/10 marks. You show a clear understanding of the points of views, word choice and form of the writings, but don’t show detailed understanding. You grace the analysis of the structure of the writing because you talked about the way or order both texts were written, but don’t include the sentence structure. For example, the autobiography uses onomatopoeia in one sentence lines to grab the reader's attention. As well as when Usain Bolt is explaining his thoughts they are short and simple sentences. You showed an overview of everything; it just needs to be more detailed and use the write terms when analyzing.
Overall score 8/15 marks.
Question 1a
ReplyDeleteAo1: Understanding
First thing I looked at was the composition of the sentence. Because of the creativity and structure of the info, I can see you understood the assignment clearly and used it to your advantage. I would score this part 4 marks. I would look more into the audience and what they would expect out of the report. I feel that’s what would bump you to the 5 you need.
Ao2: Composition
The first thing I noticed was how you mentioned the audience and how they felt or how they appeared to be feeling. I like the strong sentences you used to portray the emotion, like “…dedication in his eyes.” and ‘His expressions were of someone who needed to win.” It left me with a picture of his best to get to the end. Which is something the audience would imagine as well if they read this. 4 marks for this part of the question.
Overall Marks for Question 1a: 9 Marks
Question 1b
Ao1: Understanding
The structure of your explanation was very detailed and sounded very professional. Which shows confidence and that you know what you are talking about. There isn’t much critiquing I could do or find. For that, your paper gets 5 marks
Ao2: Analyzation
Wow, way to open up your explanations, I liked how you talked about your title and how it would bring in audience members. I see how you focused a lot on your audience that what I thought at first. You even talked about the words you used. I haven’t seen that with the other groups. Also it was very organized using the transition words. This helped me know when you switched and it didn’t feel focused or choppy. I would give 10 marks for this part. A job well done!
Overall marks for Question 1b: 15 Marks
Victoria -
ReplyDeleteQuestion 1a) ao1-
For this Grade I believe that victoria had detailed understanding in a text with valid context, audience adressment, and meaning. She starts off addressing that Usain Bolt is a champion and how he won the race. She also had food reference to characteristics and features of what really happened that were clear and effective. A quote showing this is, “His strides became larger and larger in fact, to the point where he stumbled for a moment but quickly recovered.” I give Victoria an Ao1 grade of a 4
Question 1a) ao2
For the most part your expression was effective but not sophisticated and for this i need to give you a 4 for the Ao2 score. However your content was fully relevant to your audience as your were addressing the headline and everything else was addressed correctly. You addressed your audience in the headline”First Time Champion!”. Your communication also flows very well which is also why I give you a 4.
Question 1b) AO1
I would give Victoria a total of 4 marks for the AO1 score due to the fact that She had detailed understanding of both texts using references for both texts and using information about both texts, She also understood who her audience was effectively and clearly.
AO2
Victoria had a detailed analysis of her own and the writer's text showing stylistic choices on how they relate to each other and what they mean and for this i give victoria 4 marks for the second point and for the first point i think she structured her points clearly but not detailed or sophisticatedly. And for this i give her a total of 7 Marks.